Showing posts with label Smarty Pants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Smarty Pants. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Would yoga help with my rage?

Have I mentioned before that I hate my in-laws?

Oh... twice in the last month you say?

Well we might as well make it three.

AARRRGGGGHHHH! I hate them soooooo much!


(ignore the satisfied customer part... it's hard finding violent pictures that don't cross the line)

If they make on more freaking negative comment about our mom works/dad stays home situation it may end in a hospital trip for them and a night in jail for me. But you know what... totally worth it!

Aside form the blood boiling in-laws we haven't had too many comments from people lately about our "alternative lifestyle" and I thought... Sweet, people are getting used to it and new people we meet seem more open minded. Now all of a sudden it is like a tidal wave of ignorance is beating down on us.

"So now that your done with your degree is your husband going to get a job or go back to school?" NO.

"If you're having a hard time finding a better job, why don't you just quit and make your husband get a job?" WHAT?!

"Why don't you tell your wife that it is time she stop being selfish and let you have a chance to get ahead?" EXUSE ME?!

Next time someone says something stupid I should just blurt out the whole truth for them so they realize what a jackass they are. "Why doesn't your husband work? Is he unrighteous or something? Don't you want to be a full time mommy?"

"Thanks for asking... cause it is totally your business and all... He stays home because he is amazing with the kids, better than I ever could be. And I enjoy working, while a career was never super important to him. Not to mention the fact that he has a list of medical issues the length of my arm that are not very conducive to conventional employment. Now please spread the gossip far and wide so no one will ever ask me again."

I really really hate people sometimes.

- Smarty Pants

They Might Be Giants

I seriously love these guys. I can't help but be in a good mood when I hear one of their songs. Birdhouse In My Soul is great and has been made even better with this super well done Literal Video Version. I've watched it 3 times already today... check it out!



I think my new favorite lines are...


"I command a slo-mo jump"
"Smoke a pipe and think about Tai Chi"
"This little dance move threw my back out, I won't do that move anymore"

With some help form my brother I think we could make a pretty funny one of these. The hard part... picking a song/video... Hmmmmm

- Smarty Pants

Kristen Stewart Has Amnesia

KStew has had a traumatic brain injury and has forgotten what decade she's in.

Someone please tell the poor girl that it is not in fact 1989, and she is not in fact in 8th grade. UNTIE the shirt!!! And just so you know... calling them skinny jeans does not fool me into not recognizing those hideous pants for what they really are... tapered legged monstrosities from an era long gone and best left forgotten.





While you're at it, please tell Kristen that we have these cool new things now called hairbrushes and high heals.



-Smarty Pants

Monday, June 8, 2009

Eye Patches, Creeps, and Body Odor

Dear Eye Patch Guy,

I like your eye patch. From my seat behind you in church it looks like it might be leather. But that would probably make you sweaty. The band around your head looks like it might be a bit snug. Does it give you a headache? Does it leave an indentation around your face when you take it off? Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Cause your skin is very worn and weathered. I think you look like a pirate. Which is good. I like pirates (the fictional kind with eye patches of course... not the kind off the coast of Africa). But just one thing, maybe you could loose the comb-over... it makes you look like a sissy pirate.

Sincerely,

Eye patch admirer and hater of comb-overs.

____________________________________________


Dear tenant of unit #14,

Just so you know, I saw you in your window watching me clean the pool at 5:30 this morning. Regardless of you reason (laughing at me, planning my death by pool cleaning accident, contemplating excuse why you haven't paid your rent yet, or whatever) it seriously creeped me out. Do it again and I'm raising your rent.

Yours,

Over worked and crabby lady with the power to make your life miserable

___________________________________________

Dear Jerk at Albertsons,

Please refrain from using the self checkout if you are an idiot. Also, free tip... Go one more isle over from where you just picked up your 5 cases of cheap beer and you will find this nifty product called soap. Buys some. Use a lot.

Regards,

Annoyed and disgusted




- Smarty Pants

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Demoralization

Looking for a way to decrease your self esteem, deplete morale, stomp your hopes and dreams into the dirt? I've got just the thing... join me in todays job market.

I am currently employed but in a job I'm tired of and in a town I hate. I've been looking for an out of state job for about 5 months now. There have been a couple face to face interviews, a fair number of phone interviews, and a lot of 'thanks but no thanks'. Rejection sucks.

I'm flying out to an interview in a couple of weeks. I've spent a few hours on the phone with the guy over the last month or so and it seems like it might be a good fit. I'd be thrilled if you want to join me in a voodoo ceremony to cause the other applicants to come down with swine flu or a bad case of herpes on interview day.

-Smarty Pants

PS yes I know some people would be happy to have any job at all right now and that I'm a spoiled brat and should just be happy with what I have. Now that I've pointed that out- you don't have to.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Mommy Blog equals GAG!

I hate a lot of things. Peas, cats, the smell of skunk, hangnails, Lady Gaga, roaches, people who are overly cheery, Wheaties... you get the idea. But today I especially loath the Mommy Blog.

The carefully crafted illusion of pure joy and family perfection induces vomiting faster than a speeding finger down the throat. You know the blogs I'm talking about. They contain "About Me" sections with phrases like...

"Billy and I have been married for 4 amazing years and are as happy as peas and carrots"

"Baby Caden is super precious and we love him times 10 and he loves to make everyone laugh"

And if that's not enough to get the bile flowing... the nonstop posts filled with pictures of kids, spotless rooms, homemade desserts, and how super sweet hubby is to take your giant diamond wedding ring in to be cleaned... is sure to do it.

Why do I hate these blogs so much?

1. They have taken the once painful annual Christmas letter and multiplied if by 365.
2. They are boring. If you are my friend I want to read blogs about what you are thinking about, not blogs about how Timmy is the smartest kid in his preschool class.
3. They have become required reeding. I hate when I see you at church and I ask how the homeschooling is going you say "Didn't you read my post about how Nicholas is the state spelling bee champ?!"
4. They are FAKE. I don't want to see you trying to be June Cleaver. I know that is not real life and all it does is make you look like a one dimensional, plastic, Holly Housewife.

So please post something interesting and real next time. I may be trying to loose weight but bulimia is not the way I want to do it.

- Smarty Pants

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Religion

Religion is a very serious and very personal thing. Part of organized religion is the occasional gathering of followers to glean wisdom from those who's knowledge exceeds our own. If this is your church... I think it's time to start shopping around.










- Smarty Pants

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sucks- part 2

I logged on to rant and I see Runt beat me to the punch.

I will agree that responsibility sucks BIG TIME! And all that other crap fits nicely into the responsibility realm. I'm sorry the new job stuff isn't all sunshine and roses. I'm personally so sick of the whole work crap that I've considered starting my own business. Oh wait, just one problem... I don't have any ideas or any money. darn.

Here's a lesson I learned today:

How to have a crappy day...

- be woken up by 5 year old screaming bloody murder at 4:30am due to ear ache
- try to get dressed but realize your ass is too fat for your pants
- step on an old diaper and have its contents squish through your toes
- realize that an urgent care visit without insurance is over $200 and you don't have even half that
- spill boiling hot water on your crotch when you try and get some cocoa
- cry
- curse
- realize it is only 9:30am
- cry again


-Smarty Pants

Monday, May 18, 2009

Panic

I think I have made a HUGE mistake! 2 years ago I went back to school, started working in an accounting office, and now have a BS in accounting... and it makes my stomach hurt. Am I just getting nervous because my job hunt is taking so long? Am I just over worked and over tired? Or did I pick the wrong career path and just waste years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars?!

The thought of payroll tax impounds, 1099 reconciliations, income taxes, and GL posting all make me want to hurl. Oh man maybe I should have gone to nursing school! AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!

Quick get me a paper bag!

Anyone regret their chosen profession? I sure hope I'm just suffering from major rampaging PMS. I think my husband might have a heart attack if I tell him I hate what I'm doing.

Maybe I need to focus the job search on managerial accounting. No payroll deadlines, no stupid taxes, no never ending accounts payable... That's right, it doesn't have to be bookkeeping crap for eternity... there are other options. Deep Breath... Deep Breath... Deep Breath... Okay, I may just make it.

-Smarty Pants

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Hello, my name is...

That was quite an introduction...I'm not sure I can live up to that!

Yes, I am an Edward / Twilight fan. It's been almost a year now since I became one. Two things have happened to my life since then -

First, I have realized I am a sexually depraved middle aged woman who needs some serious help because I now read every romance novel I can get my hands on and read as fast as I can to get to the tingly parts, finish it as fast as I can and move onto the next one. All that for a few moments of butterflies? Duh.

Second, my husband enjoys my new found obsession with romance novels because he tells me I kiss better now. Nice.

So, some other brief facts about me...I am crude, rude, selfish and bitchy. I used to be nice. I used to be pretty. I used to have great skin, ta-ta's and legs. Now, my life has been sucked out of me by 10 years of marriage and 2 kids.

I guess that's about it. What's on my mind right now is that my husbands extended family is coming into town and staying with us for 4 days. Did I mention they have 4 kids? I am planning my own death at the moment to avoid this. Maybe a sudden illness would be a little less dramatic?

-Runt

Friday, May 15, 2009

The blog grows

I'm happy to announce we are adding a second Smarty Pants to the blog. She is hilarious, smart, a lover of Twilight, and my most favorite Internet friend. From now on I will sign all my posts as Smarty Pants and we will let our new friend come up with her own "call sign", till then she's SP2.

The blog is still new and searching for its rhythm but I'm loving having a place to blab about stuff that doesn't really belong on my personal blog. We had a tad over 200 views in the last month with an average visit time of 2 minutes. We'd love to get some back and forth going in the comments, so if you have something to say... let it out!

Welcome SP2!

-Smarty Pants

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Viewing Pleasure

Well hello there Edward... oh, I mean Robert. I think I see a tiny bit of your tummy. Better take your shirt off so I can be sure :)

Star Trek 2009

I was so happy with how amazing the new Star Trek movie turned out. The actors were amazing, the special effects were great, the story was interesting and plausible within the ST realm, and I laughed out loud several times. Star Trek can now be for everyone... not just hard core Trekies. My favorite things...

- Kirk got the crap beat out of him a lot
- Scotty was freaking hilarious
- The Romulan ship was crazy weird
- Original catch phrases used just enough
- Alternate reality has provided a whole new starting point for lots more movies to come!

So.... did you love the Star Trek movie?

The In-Laws Strike Again

"Oh son/brother, if your wife ever dies we have the perfect girl for you! Her name is Sally and she is so funny and the nicest thing! She is just like one of us sisters. We've told her all about you and she really wants to meet you."

WHAT THE HELL!!!! I'm saying it right now... you push me to hard and I refuse to be held responsible for the backlash coming your way!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Birthing- never what you expect

My littlest guy is fast approaching his 6 month mark. It's amazing how quickly time passes. Part of me wishes he could stay a baby forever, I just want to hold him and never let go. I've been thinking a lot about his birth and the birth of my other kids. 3 deliveries, 3 completely different experiences, same great outcome.

Pregnancy is a lot like an engagement and planning a wedding. You get sucked into this whole other world and everyone is telling what you should do. Information is flying and you start to loose perspective and develop outlandish ideas and fantasies about how your big day should be. When the day comes for your wedding or delivery you realize how you were caught up in the whole thing and how it has been glamorized and romanticized to a point that your expectations are out of reach. While my initial thoughts of how a delivery would progress have never matched up to reality, I have never been disappointed. I feel so bad for women who harbor negative feelings for their birth experience because they were not able to let go of the preconceived notions and just go with the flow.

My first delivery consisted of 15 hours of hard labor at home which started on my due date, followed by 8 more hours at the hospital with the help of an epidural, and ending with the manual extraction of the placenta. That delivery was all about endurance. I was completely exhausted and gratefully let my visiting mom take care of the baby while I slept my two days in the hospital away.

My second delivery consisted of 5 hours of hard labor at home at 40 weeks and 8 days, 1 hour in the hospital med free (not by choice but by necessity due to speed of delivery), and ending with a very painful unmedicated manual extraction of the placenta. That delivery was dominated by fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of the pain. I lost so much blood during the whole ordeal I ended up spending most of my stay in the hospital on the brink of unconsciousness. It may not had turned out the way I had planned but I was thrilled to have my perfect baby and grateful I had the experience of an unmedicated birth (though I never wanted to do it again) and the unpleasant details have long since been forgotten.

Number three was hands down my favorite birth experience. The little guy showed signs of imminent arrival at 38 weeks... 41 weeks came and the doc recommended an induction. The idea of an induction was very scary to me. I had read all the horror stories and had been sufficiently guilt-tripped into feeling like I was making a bad decision for my baby. The amount of guilt you become capable of as a mother is truly astounding.

After a lot of prayer we decided to go with our doctor's advice. By 9am the following day we were checked into the hospital. At 10am we were hooked up to an IV and they very slowly started pitocin.

Over the next 4 hours contractions started out painless and slowly grew in intensity. During that time hubby and I laughed and talked and chatted up our nurse. We had a view of the forest and watched tons of snow fall over the next few hours. I had been nervous about what pitocin induced contractions would feel like, but everything felt just like my spontaneous labors. It was actually a fun few hours.

By about 2pm contractions were painful enough that we were ready for the epi. Getting that thing placed is a bit nerve wracking but all went well and I was soon very comfy. At 3:30 my doc came by and checked me again... no change. He broke my water and cranked up the pit. We had been up since 4 am and were starting to feel it so we took a nice 2 hour nap. The nurse came in and asked if I was feeling any pressure. Nope.

I swear the second she walked out of the room I felt it. Still no pain but a sudden "I would love to get up and use the bathroom" feeling. The doc was right there so he checked me again. "Okay Mommy, please don't push, I'm going to get my scrubs on". We were ready to go.

5 minutes later we started pushing. I felt enough pressure to know what to do but never any pain. It was hard work and I struggled to keep my breathing even but I actually loved the pushing phase. My nurse and doc were so great and whispered words of encouragement. They just let me push when I felt the need and praised me with each contraction. After pushing through the first 2 contractions I felt in control and ready to make it happen... I took charge. With a prompt from the doc I looked down and saw my baby come into the world.

The immediate bond I felt as each baby lay on my chest those first few minutes after birth is beyond description. Each one was an amazing miracle sent just for us. Happy Mother's Day- remember that you already have the greatest gift in the world so spend your day enjoying them!

In Laws



There are some things in life I would be happy to do without. In-Laws are at the top of my list. I'll spare you the unpleasant details of our history, but you'd think by now they'd be tired of it all. I'm sure in the beginning attempted sabotage of our relationship was fun and exciting. Bribes, lies, manipulations, interventions, intimidation, threats... woohoo let the good times roll. I guess I should give them credit for their endurance, determination, and stamina. 10 years and a handful of kids later and they are still at it.

"Hey mom, Wife and the kids are leaving Thursday to visit the grandparents, want to drive down for a visit since I haven't seen you for a year?"

"So your finally separating?!"

"No! We were going to go as a family but at the last second I couldn't get the time off work"

"Oh well that's too bad"
---------

"Son, I really don't want to have any more grandkids"

"Why do you even care, you hardly see the ones you have"

"Regardless, don't let your wife talk you into any more kids. I'd be happy to pay for your vasectomy... it could be our little secret."
---------

Monday, May 4, 2009

Twilight DVD Commentary

A lot can be learned from listening to the painful commentary on the Twilight DVD.

1. Catherine Hardwicke is one of the most annoying people of all time. Catherine is 54 years old but tries to speak like the young actors she works with. You'd think that could be endearing, that she is young at heart and all that junk, but no. It just comes off as unprofessional and painfully annoying.

2. Robert Pattinson is funny. That guy is a crackup. It's slightly uncomfortable to listen to his ramblings and off beat humor without the accompaniment of facial expressions and hand gestures but he seems like a genuinely nice, goofy guy.

3. K Stew can laugh! My irrational hatred for Kristen Stewart softened considerably listening to her laugh, joke, and be embarrassed as she watched herself onscreen. It made me happy to see that she is not in fact an emotionless drone who is too cool for school and in fact a seemingly nice regular teenage girl.

4. Melissa Rosenberg is not to blame. There are a few lines in Twilight that truly make me cringe. Whenever I hear them I shudder and curse Melissa Rosenberg for her stupidity. I see now that I was cursing the wrong person. According to the commentary, we have Catherine Hardwicke to thank for the following lines...
- "Better hang on tight spider-monkey"
- "My monkey man"
Gag! These lines were added while filming because Catherine thought the scene need a little something. What is it with her and monkeys? Catherine, a tip for your next project: Let the writer do their job and you just stick to directing.

5. I am SO glad we get a new director for New Moon. I am looking forward to seeing what Chris Weitz has in store for us in the sequel. I am also looking forward to the next commentary lacking Hardwicke's annoying voice, stupid comments, and uncomfortable putdowns of the actors.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Who is your favorite Twilight character?

I was hesitant to read the Twilight books.  Teenage vampire love just sounded a bit too silly for me.  It wasn't till a friend forced the books into my hands that I caved.  Boy am I glad I did.  I completely love how the story sucks you in and in the world created by Stephanie Meyer you completely believe it is all possible.  

I love the Bella and Edward relationship but my favorite character is Jasper.  I think his past is fascinating, I adore his relationship with Alice, and I sympathize with his place in the 'family' (feeling like he is not as strong as the others and like he does not fit as well as the rest).  Of course I also love the empath part of his character.  I read a lot of Jasper fanfics so the Jasper in my mind has grown beyond that of what was included in the Twilight Saga.  I'm looking forward to getting to see more of Jasper in New Moon.  I though Jackson Rathbone did an amazing job as Jasper (with the little he had to work with) and I think he is such an adorable, goofy, funny, awkward guy.  His guest appearance on Criminal Minds was very impressive and I'm looking forward to seeing him in his other projects.  Plus he's super cute so that's a plus  :)

Who is your fav?




Monday, April 20, 2009

Better Body Journey

Do you remember when you first decided you were fat?  I do.  I was in 7th grade.  I'd just had yet another growth spurt and reached what I deemed "freakish height".  5 foot 8 inches doesn't seem so bad now but at 13 I was taller than every boy in school and taller than all my teachers.  I spent a lot of time slouching and generally trying to appear shorter.  There was one girl my same height and she was a beast of a girl.  The broadest shoulders I'd ever seen and legs that could snap a grown man in half.  I remember thinking she would fit in better on a mens rugby team then in middle school.   She was the top player on all our sports teams and she seemed full of confidence.  I assumed that since I was her same height I must look like that too.  From that point on, anytime I saw my 5'8'' 118 lb body in the mirror all I could think was "FAT!!!"  

Sad, silly, stupid, naive... It's a shame we find it so easy to focus on what we see as negatives about ourselves yet are completely oblivious to our positive attributes.  I sure wish I could quote those stats now.  I'm a bit taller and a lot heavier.  But reality has never had much to do with my body image.  Until recently that is...  

After my first 2 children I was back to a respectable size fairly quickly.  Not skinny, but healthy and able to endure a shopping trip for clothes without being reduced to tears.  Then I started a new job and went back to school full time in the evenings.  The stress brought with it weight gain.  Still, I was okay with how I looked.  Then came pregnancy #3.  I did a respectable job of keeping my pregnancy weight gain in a health zone and was more than happy to deal with the extra weight if it meant a new addition to our family!

Flash forward 4 months from delivery.  Here I am weighing more than mid-pregnancy, even more than when I left the hospital with my baby.  With school soon to be behind me I feel I have the time and mental energy needed to focus on getting my body back on track.  And with physical activity with the kiddos become increasingly more difficult, I have ample motivation.

It's important to me to not let my journey to a healthier body be an overpowering presence at home.  I don't want the idea of the importance of weight being in the forefront of my young daughters mind.  If she's like me or half the other girls in the world she will be facing that all to soon as it is.

On the advise of my sister-in-law I will be making my "Better Body Journey" with the help of Dr. Simeon's Pounds and Inches Weight Loss Protocol.  This system requires an extremely controlled diet and the use of the HCG hormone.  I have ordered my supplies and will be starting in the next couple of weeks.  I will be documenting my progress along the way and passing along all the things I'm bound to learn.  If I get daring I may just include some pics of my progress.  I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have any experience with the HCG diet.  

Wish me luck on my "Better Body Journey"! 

Friday, April 17, 2009

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

I promise to lay off the whole Jane Austen thing after this. I just wanted to quickly share the latest P&P adaptation...

PRIDE and PREJUDICE and ZOMBIES



Can't wait to read it!