Monday, June 8, 2009

Eye Patches, Creeps, and Body Odor

Dear Eye Patch Guy,

I like your eye patch. From my seat behind you in church it looks like it might be leather. But that would probably make you sweaty. The band around your head looks like it might be a bit snug. Does it give you a headache? Does it leave an indentation around your face when you take it off? Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Cause your skin is very worn and weathered. I think you look like a pirate. Which is good. I like pirates (the fictional kind with eye patches of course... not the kind off the coast of Africa). But just one thing, maybe you could loose the comb-over... it makes you look like a sissy pirate.


Eye patch admirer and hater of comb-overs.


Dear tenant of unit #14,

Just so you know, I saw you in your window watching me clean the pool at 5:30 this morning. Regardless of you reason (laughing at me, planning my death by pool cleaning accident, contemplating excuse why you haven't paid your rent yet, or whatever) it seriously creeped me out. Do it again and I'm raising your rent.


Over worked and crabby lady with the power to make your life miserable


Dear Jerk at Albertsons,

Please refrain from using the self checkout if you are an idiot. Also, free tip... Go one more isle over from where you just picked up your 5 cases of cheap beer and you will find this nifty product called soap. Buys some. Use a lot.


Annoyed and disgusted

- Smarty Pants

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