Thursday, June 25, 2009

Paper or Plastic? Edward or Jacob?

Here are two posters for New Moon. Can you say "hummanna?" Now, I am a die hard Edward fan and have grown to like Robbie boy but (and excuse my french) but holy SHIT Jacob has a nice freakin' body. My weakness has always been those lower ab muscles that point down to the joy stick :)

Taylor has come a long way from "Shark Boy and Lava Girl."
So I'm standing in line at the grocery store with my husband and I am trying frantically to absorb the Rob headlines and pictures in all the magazines and get the scoop on him and Kristen and him on everyother woman but me (not that I'm bitter...) and the checker asks if I want paper or plastic. "Paper and shut the hell up, lady." It wasn't until I was walking out of the store with my groceries in my cart all tucked away in paper bags and my husband looking at me like I had horns growing out of my head that I realized what I had done. NEVER in my life have I gotten paper bags! I am so pathetic!!!

So, someone make me feel better...what is the most pathetic Edward thing you've ever done? I have now forgotten to pack pants on a trip because I was watching Cedric Diggory and now I have sunk to paper bags for my groceries.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Brain Illness?

I was listening to a program on NPR about the fight against gangs. One guest stated that gangs, in and of themselves, are not bad, it is the activities they undertake that are bad. He says gangs are a part of human nature and that, with the exception of illegal activity, are the same as clubs, teams, families, and clicks. He illustrates the need for human interaction by saying:

"If you put 50 people in a stadium, they will not spread out with 23 seats between each of them... they will sit in a group. Unless they are antisocial, which is an illness of the brain."

Do I have a brain illness? I'll tell you right now that if I was in a stadium of 50 strangers I would immediately search out the most isolated corner.

I've always know that I'm a "non-social butterfly" but I never thought that qualified me as sick in the head.

I enjoy the company of my husband and children, I like visiting with other family members and a few close friends (as long as it isn't too long or too often), I work well with coworkers, I smile at the short lady who asks me to hand her the bread on the top shelf of the grocery store isle, I make small talk with acquaintances, I even tell the UPS guy to have a nice day!

But I guess I do use the self checkout at the store to avoid an overly chatty cashier, and it takes all my energy not to ram annoying shoppers with my cart, and I think a solo vacation would be great, and I would rather read a book than go to a party with a bunch of people I don't know, and I purposely wear earphones when working outside so neighbors will not talk to me.

Hmmm... maybe it's a close call.

I decided to consult a more reliable source than "the guest on NPR" and of course went directly to Wikipedia. The American Psychiatric Association defines antisocial as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."

Okay, I'm feeling better... I certainly don't try to violate anyones rights.

The definition continues... More specifically, 3 of the following criteria must be met to warrant an antisocial diagnosis:

-Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
-Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
-Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
-Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
-Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
-Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
-Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Sweet, I think I'm in the clear.

Conclusion: The guest on NPR is an idiot and the reason I avoid people, particularly strangers, is because I fear they will be as stupid as he is.

Have a nice day!

- Smarty Pants

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Would yoga help with my rage?

Have I mentioned before that I hate my in-laws?

Oh... twice in the last month you say?

Well we might as well make it three.

AARRRGGGGHHHH! I hate them soooooo much!

(ignore the satisfied customer part... it's hard finding violent pictures that don't cross the line)

If they make on more freaking negative comment about our mom works/dad stays home situation it may end in a hospital trip for them and a night in jail for me. But you know what... totally worth it!

Aside form the blood boiling in-laws we haven't had too many comments from people lately about our "alternative lifestyle" and I thought... Sweet, people are getting used to it and new people we meet seem more open minded. Now all of a sudden it is like a tidal wave of ignorance is beating down on us.

"So now that your done with your degree is your husband going to get a job or go back to school?" NO.

"If you're having a hard time finding a better job, why don't you just quit and make your husband get a job?" WHAT?!

"Why don't you tell your wife that it is time she stop being selfish and let you have a chance to get ahead?" EXUSE ME?!

Next time someone says something stupid I should just blurt out the whole truth for them so they realize what a jackass they are. "Why doesn't your husband work? Is he unrighteous or something? Don't you want to be a full time mommy?"

"Thanks for asking... cause it is totally your business and all... He stays home because he is amazing with the kids, better than I ever could be. And I enjoy working, while a career was never super important to him. Not to mention the fact that he has a list of medical issues the length of my arm that are not very conducive to conventional employment. Now please spread the gossip far and wide so no one will ever ask me again."

I really really hate people sometimes.

- Smarty Pants

They Might Be Giants

I seriously love these guys. I can't help but be in a good mood when I hear one of their songs. Birdhouse In My Soul is great and has been made even better with this super well done Literal Video Version. I've watched it 3 times already today... check it out!

I think my new favorite lines are...

"I command a slo-mo jump"
"Smoke a pipe and think about Tai Chi"
"This little dance move threw my back out, I won't do that move anymore"

With some help form my brother I think we could make a pretty funny one of these. The hard part... picking a song/video... Hmmmmm

- Smarty Pants

Kristen Stewart Has Amnesia

KStew has had a traumatic brain injury and has forgotten what decade she's in.

Someone please tell the poor girl that it is not in fact 1989, and she is not in fact in 8th grade. UNTIE the shirt!!! And just so you know... calling them skinny jeans does not fool me into not recognizing those hideous pants for what they really are... tapered legged monstrosities from an era long gone and best left forgotten.

While you're at it, please tell Kristen that we have these cool new things now called hairbrushes and high heals.

-Smarty Pants

Monday, June 8, 2009

Eye Patches, Creeps, and Body Odor

Dear Eye Patch Guy,

I like your eye patch. From my seat behind you in church it looks like it might be leather. But that would probably make you sweaty. The band around your head looks like it might be a bit snug. Does it give you a headache? Does it leave an indentation around your face when you take it off? Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Cause your skin is very worn and weathered. I think you look like a pirate. Which is good. I like pirates (the fictional kind with eye patches of course... not the kind off the coast of Africa). But just one thing, maybe you could loose the comb-over... it makes you look like a sissy pirate.


Eye patch admirer and hater of comb-overs.


Dear tenant of unit #14,

Just so you know, I saw you in your window watching me clean the pool at 5:30 this morning. Regardless of you reason (laughing at me, planning my death by pool cleaning accident, contemplating excuse why you haven't paid your rent yet, or whatever) it seriously creeped me out. Do it again and I'm raising your rent.


Over worked and crabby lady with the power to make your life miserable


Dear Jerk at Albertsons,

Please refrain from using the self checkout if you are an idiot. Also, free tip... Go one more isle over from where you just picked up your 5 cases of cheap beer and you will find this nifty product called soap. Buys some. Use a lot.


Annoyed and disgusted

- Smarty Pants

Friday, June 5, 2009

Good Morning, would you like a bitch slap with your bagel?

I stopped to get my weekly Friday morning bagel today.

Some beeyoch behind me was picking up bagels for her company and paying with a company check. She was asked for her drivers license and made the biggest scene - sighing, eye rolling, stomping out in a huff to her car, coming back in a yelling at the poor kid, blah, blah. It was ridiculous.

I wanted to slap her for 2 reasons - 1) people asking for ID with a check (which BTW who even uses those anymore?) is a standard control procedure and being in the business of having to enforce such controls it pisses me off when people have to be such dicks about it. 2) She was obviously running around on company time so what the hell could she be so put out about?

I hate people.


Thursday, June 4, 2009


Looking for a way to decrease your self esteem, deplete morale, stomp your hopes and dreams into the dirt? I've got just the thing... join me in todays job market.

I am currently employed but in a job I'm tired of and in a town I hate. I've been looking for an out of state job for about 5 months now. There have been a couple face to face interviews, a fair number of phone interviews, and a lot of 'thanks but no thanks'. Rejection sucks.

I'm flying out to an interview in a couple of weeks. I've spent a few hours on the phone with the guy over the last month or so and it seems like it might be a good fit. I'd be thrilled if you want to join me in a voodoo ceremony to cause the other applicants to come down with swine flu or a bad case of herpes on interview day.

-Smarty Pants

PS yes I know some people would be happy to have any job at all right now and that I'm a spoiled brat and should just be happy with what I have. Now that I've pointed that out- you don't have to.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Mommy Blog equals GAG!

I hate a lot of things. Peas, cats, the smell of skunk, hangnails, Lady Gaga, roaches, people who are overly cheery, Wheaties... you get the idea. But today I especially loath the Mommy Blog.

The carefully crafted illusion of pure joy and family perfection induces vomiting faster than a speeding finger down the throat. You know the blogs I'm talking about. They contain "About Me" sections with phrases like...

"Billy and I have been married for 4 amazing years and are as happy as peas and carrots"

"Baby Caden is super precious and we love him times 10 and he loves to make everyone laugh"

And if that's not enough to get the bile flowing... the nonstop posts filled with pictures of kids, spotless rooms, homemade desserts, and how super sweet hubby is to take your giant diamond wedding ring in to be cleaned... is sure to do it.

Why do I hate these blogs so much?

1. They have taken the once painful annual Christmas letter and multiplied if by 365.
2. They are boring. If you are my friend I want to read blogs about what you are thinking about, not blogs about how Timmy is the smartest kid in his preschool class.
3. They have become required reeding. I hate when I see you at church and I ask how the homeschooling is going you say "Didn't you read my post about how Nicholas is the state spelling bee champ?!"
4. They are FAKE. I don't want to see you trying to be June Cleaver. I know that is not real life and all it does is make you look like a one dimensional, plastic, Holly Housewife.

So please post something interesting and real next time. I may be trying to loose weight but bulimia is not the way I want to do it.

- Smarty Pants