Saturday, May 30, 2009

Do I really Have to Say It??

Copy and paste into your browser because I don't know how to do the link.

Okay, I will say 3 things:

1) A tan wouldn't kill
2) What is with the damn chicken pox?
3) Who is that bitch hanging off him cause it sure as hell doesn't look like me? WTH?

Aside from that, where is my scratching post of a husband when you need him? (Speaking metaphorically, of course!)


Thursday, May 28, 2009

If you don't laugh at this there is something wrong with you

This post from over at is worthy of passing along. Seriously this girl is messed up... in the best way of course.

This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias.

So the other day my friend (Tracy) was telling me about this documentary he saw about this woman who had a tiny upper body but everything from her waist down was enormous and I was all “My God. I bet her labia is huge” and that’s when Tracy put down his fork and said he wouldn’t eat lunch with me anymore.

Me: But scientifically it makes sense that her labia would be enormous. If I were her I’d roll it up with binder clips. Or those pink soft curlers we slept in when were little.

Tracy: Yeah…I’m a dude, remember?

Me: And then on special occasions she lets it out of the curlers and bingo: …spiral perm. Totally ready for prom.

Tracy: Hi. I’m eating tuna salad.

Me: But imagine what you could do with it. If you got attacked you could throw it on someone to swat them back or you could catch children jumping out of burning buildings. Or like in the olden days when women would use their aprons to hold apples?

Tracy: Huh.

Me: I’m just saying I wouldn’t eat an apple if you happen to be over at her house.

Tracy: If I happen to be at the home of the lady with the world’s largest labia I shouldn’t eat any apples?

Me: Yeah.

Tracy: Excellent advice.

Me: I bet it’s flat as a pancake too since it’s being squished by her legs. You could put a lantern behind it and make shadow puppets. It’s like a gift no one can ever use. Except I would totally use my giant labia. I’d entertain the whole world with it. Because that’s the kind of person I am. Saint-like. If I had an enormous labia I would change the world with it.

Tracy: So the only thing holding you back is…how small your labia is?

Me: Well it’s not like a handicap. I mean, I get by.

Tracy: Honestly, I don’t even know why I eat lunch with you.

Me: I’d say it’s roomy but compact. Like a balloon valance. Or a Honda Accord.

Then Tracy got all weird and was all “You aren’t supposed to tell me your vagina is like a Honda Accord!” and I’m all “You brought it up!” Then there was this awkward silence while I tried to look penitent and Tracy tried to look stern but technically I was just thinking about how a giant labia would be like a lap blanket on cold nights and Tracy was probably wondering what a balloon valance was. So then I was all “It’s like a tiny curtain” and Tracy was like “What?!” and I’m all “Oh never mind.”

Smarty Pants

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Religion is a very serious and very personal thing. Part of organized religion is the occasional gathering of followers to glean wisdom from those who's knowledge exceeds our own. If this is your church... I think it's time to start shopping around.

- Smarty Pants

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sucks- part 2

I logged on to rant and I see Runt beat me to the punch.

I will agree that responsibility sucks BIG TIME! And all that other crap fits nicely into the responsibility realm. I'm sorry the new job stuff isn't all sunshine and roses. I'm personally so sick of the whole work crap that I've considered starting my own business. Oh wait, just one problem... I don't have any ideas or any money. darn.

Here's a lesson I learned today:

How to have a crappy day...

- be woken up by 5 year old screaming bloody murder at 4:30am due to ear ache
- try to get dressed but realize your ass is too fat for your pants
- step on an old diaper and have its contents squish through your toes
- realize that an urgent care visit without insurance is over $200 and you don't have even half that
- spill boiling hot water on your crotch when you try and get some cocoa
- cry
- curse
- realize it is only 9:30am
- cry again

-Smarty Pants


Marriage sucks.

Family sucks.

Job sucks.

Responsibility sucks.

Being mom sucks.

Marriage sucks...oh wait, I already said that one! Well, it deserves to be mentioned twice.

...and that's all I got to say about that!

So, how was your Memrial weekend?


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Just Say No to Drugs

I think a drug deal just went down in the office next to me.

Some freaking looking dude comes in and goes into Jay's office.

Dude- "that'll be $175"
roll of cash is exchanged for paper lunch sack
Jay- "it's good right?"
Dude- "ya, I'll have the rest for you next week"

Um what?! It's obvious Jay is under the influence of something on a regular basis but can't she at least conduct her business on the street like regular druggies? Have I mentioned before how much I love this place?

- Smarty Pants

I am a coward!!

Last night I totally stood up a bunch of friends I grew up with...on purpose. One is a perfect Mormon girl, one ended up as a stripper in Vegas married to a drug addict who killed himself, and one I never even knew very well to begin with. I couldn't face them because no matter which one I compare myself to I don't measure up or I can't relate. Not only that, I tell myself I don't need to keep in touch with people, I don't need friends, I don't need anyone because it takes too much energy to have relationships. The ones I HAVE to have are hard enough, why would I seek out more? Of course, until I am feeling lonely and beaten down and then I look around for a shoulder and wonder why I am alone and hate myself for it.

I have serious issues!


Laugh of the day!


Monday, May 18, 2009


I think I have made a HUGE mistake! 2 years ago I went back to school, started working in an accounting office, and now have a BS in accounting... and it makes my stomach hurt. Am I just getting nervous because my job hunt is taking so long? Am I just over worked and over tired? Or did I pick the wrong career path and just waste years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars?!

The thought of payroll tax impounds, 1099 reconciliations, income taxes, and GL posting all make me want to hurl. Oh man maybe I should have gone to nursing school! AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!

Quick get me a paper bag!

Anyone regret their chosen profession? I sure hope I'm just suffering from major rampaging PMS. I think my husband might have a heart attack if I tell him I hate what I'm doing.

Maybe I need to focus the job search on managerial accounting. No payroll deadlines, no stupid taxes, no never ending accounts payable... That's right, it doesn't have to be bookkeeping crap for eternity... there are other options. Deep Breath... Deep Breath... Deep Breath... Okay, I may just make it.

-Smarty Pants

Sunday, May 17, 2009


My soon to be 7 year old daughter is the most trying thing I face. Of course I love her and she is wonderful in a lot of ways BUT she drive me to insanity like no one else.

Whining- good crap that girl can whine. It can be triggered by anything: hunger, clothes, teeth brushing, mean kids, annoying brother, chores, lack of attention, lack of praise, lack of immediate bending to her will, and most of all... reading.

Reading- I loath teaching kids to read. Every night we plod through the stupid reading assignment just to be told at parent teacher conferences she isn't reading as well and as fast as she should. It feels like they expect her to pick up Gone With the Wind and read it over the weekend. I hate hate hate reading with her. She cries, I get mad, we both get bored, neither of us wants to ever do it again. It makes me wonder how people are able to successfully home school. I swear the kids are so much more willing to learn from someone other than mom.

I guess if you took away the reading and the whining I would think she was the greatest kid around. I'm sure the reading will work itself out eventually if we just keep at it but I'm not so sure about the whining. I can just see it morphing in to the hormonal outbursts associated with puberty. Oh fun.

-smarty pants

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Hello, my name is...

That was quite an introduction...I'm not sure I can live up to that!

Yes, I am an Edward / Twilight fan. It's been almost a year now since I became one. Two things have happened to my life since then -

First, I have realized I am a sexually depraved middle aged woman who needs some serious help because I now read every romance novel I can get my hands on and read as fast as I can to get to the tingly parts, finish it as fast as I can and move onto the next one. All that for a few moments of butterflies? Duh.

Second, my husband enjoys my new found obsession with romance novels because he tells me I kiss better now. Nice.

So, some other brief facts about me...I am crude, rude, selfish and bitchy. I used to be nice. I used to be pretty. I used to have great skin, ta-ta's and legs. Now, my life has been sucked out of me by 10 years of marriage and 2 kids.

I guess that's about it. What's on my mind right now is that my husbands extended family is coming into town and staying with us for 4 days. Did I mention they have 4 kids? I am planning my own death at the moment to avoid this. Maybe a sudden illness would be a little less dramatic?


Friday, May 15, 2009

The blog grows

I'm happy to announce we are adding a second Smarty Pants to the blog. She is hilarious, smart, a lover of Twilight, and my most favorite Internet friend. From now on I will sign all my posts as Smarty Pants and we will let our new friend come up with her own "call sign", till then she's SP2.

The blog is still new and searching for its rhythm but I'm loving having a place to blab about stuff that doesn't really belong on my personal blog. We had a tad over 200 views in the last month with an average visit time of 2 minutes. We'd love to get some back and forth going in the comments, so if you have something to say... let it out!

Welcome SP2!

-Smarty Pants

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Viewing Pleasure

Well hello there Edward... oh, I mean Robert. I think I see a tiny bit of your tummy. Better take your shirt off so I can be sure :)

Star Trek 2009

I was so happy with how amazing the new Star Trek movie turned out. The actors were amazing, the special effects were great, the story was interesting and plausible within the ST realm, and I laughed out loud several times. Star Trek can now be for everyone... not just hard core Trekies. My favorite things...

- Kirk got the crap beat out of him a lot
- Scotty was freaking hilarious
- The Romulan ship was crazy weird
- Original catch phrases used just enough
- Alternate reality has provided a whole new starting point for lots more movies to come!

So.... did you love the Star Trek movie?

The In-Laws Strike Again

"Oh son/brother, if your wife ever dies we have the perfect girl for you! Her name is Sally and she is so funny and the nicest thing! She is just like one of us sisters. We've told her all about you and she really wants to meet you."

WHAT THE HELL!!!! I'm saying it right now... you push me to hard and I refuse to be held responsible for the backlash coming your way!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Birthing- never what you expect

My littlest guy is fast approaching his 6 month mark. It's amazing how quickly time passes. Part of me wishes he could stay a baby forever, I just want to hold him and never let go. I've been thinking a lot about his birth and the birth of my other kids. 3 deliveries, 3 completely different experiences, same great outcome.

Pregnancy is a lot like an engagement and planning a wedding. You get sucked into this whole other world and everyone is telling what you should do. Information is flying and you start to loose perspective and develop outlandish ideas and fantasies about how your big day should be. When the day comes for your wedding or delivery you realize how you were caught up in the whole thing and how it has been glamorized and romanticized to a point that your expectations are out of reach. While my initial thoughts of how a delivery would progress have never matched up to reality, I have never been disappointed. I feel so bad for women who harbor negative feelings for their birth experience because they were not able to let go of the preconceived notions and just go with the flow.

My first delivery consisted of 15 hours of hard labor at home which started on my due date, followed by 8 more hours at the hospital with the help of an epidural, and ending with the manual extraction of the placenta. That delivery was all about endurance. I was completely exhausted and gratefully let my visiting mom take care of the baby while I slept my two days in the hospital away.

My second delivery consisted of 5 hours of hard labor at home at 40 weeks and 8 days, 1 hour in the hospital med free (not by choice but by necessity due to speed of delivery), and ending with a very painful unmedicated manual extraction of the placenta. That delivery was dominated by fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of the pain. I lost so much blood during the whole ordeal I ended up spending most of my stay in the hospital on the brink of unconsciousness. It may not had turned out the way I had planned but I was thrilled to have my perfect baby and grateful I had the experience of an unmedicated birth (though I never wanted to do it again) and the unpleasant details have long since been forgotten.

Number three was hands down my favorite birth experience. The little guy showed signs of imminent arrival at 38 weeks... 41 weeks came and the doc recommended an induction. The idea of an induction was very scary to me. I had read all the horror stories and had been sufficiently guilt-tripped into feeling like I was making a bad decision for my baby. The amount of guilt you become capable of as a mother is truly astounding.

After a lot of prayer we decided to go with our doctor's advice. By 9am the following day we were checked into the hospital. At 10am we were hooked up to an IV and they very slowly started pitocin.

Over the next 4 hours contractions started out painless and slowly grew in intensity. During that time hubby and I laughed and talked and chatted up our nurse. We had a view of the forest and watched tons of snow fall over the next few hours. I had been nervous about what pitocin induced contractions would feel like, but everything felt just like my spontaneous labors. It was actually a fun few hours.

By about 2pm contractions were painful enough that we were ready for the epi. Getting that thing placed is a bit nerve wracking but all went well and I was soon very comfy. At 3:30 my doc came by and checked me again... no change. He broke my water and cranked up the pit. We had been up since 4 am and were starting to feel it so we took a nice 2 hour nap. The nurse came in and asked if I was feeling any pressure. Nope.

I swear the second she walked out of the room I felt it. Still no pain but a sudden "I would love to get up and use the bathroom" feeling. The doc was right there so he checked me again. "Okay Mommy, please don't push, I'm going to get my scrubs on". We were ready to go.

5 minutes later we started pushing. I felt enough pressure to know what to do but never any pain. It was hard work and I struggled to keep my breathing even but I actually loved the pushing phase. My nurse and doc were so great and whispered words of encouragement. They just let me push when I felt the need and praised me with each contraction. After pushing through the first 2 contractions I felt in control and ready to make it happen... I took charge. With a prompt from the doc I looked down and saw my baby come into the world.

The immediate bond I felt as each baby lay on my chest those first few minutes after birth is beyond description. Each one was an amazing miracle sent just for us. Happy Mother's Day- remember that you already have the greatest gift in the world so spend your day enjoying them!

In Laws

There are some things in life I would be happy to do without. In-Laws are at the top of my list. I'll spare you the unpleasant details of our history, but you'd think by now they'd be tired of it all. I'm sure in the beginning attempted sabotage of our relationship was fun and exciting. Bribes, lies, manipulations, interventions, intimidation, threats... woohoo let the good times roll. I guess I should give them credit for their endurance, determination, and stamina. 10 years and a handful of kids later and they are still at it.

"Hey mom, Wife and the kids are leaving Thursday to visit the grandparents, want to drive down for a visit since I haven't seen you for a year?"

"So your finally separating?!"

"No! We were going to go as a family but at the last second I couldn't get the time off work"

"Oh well that's too bad"

"Son, I really don't want to have any more grandkids"

"Why do you even care, you hardly see the ones you have"

"Regardless, don't let your wife talk you into any more kids. I'd be happy to pay for your vasectomy... it could be our little secret."

Monday, May 4, 2009

Twilight DVD Commentary

A lot can be learned from listening to the painful commentary on the Twilight DVD.

1. Catherine Hardwicke is one of the most annoying people of all time. Catherine is 54 years old but tries to speak like the young actors she works with. You'd think that could be endearing, that she is young at heart and all that junk, but no. It just comes off as unprofessional and painfully annoying.

2. Robert Pattinson is funny. That guy is a crackup. It's slightly uncomfortable to listen to his ramblings and off beat humor without the accompaniment of facial expressions and hand gestures but he seems like a genuinely nice, goofy guy.

3. K Stew can laugh! My irrational hatred for Kristen Stewart softened considerably listening to her laugh, joke, and be embarrassed as she watched herself onscreen. It made me happy to see that she is not in fact an emotionless drone who is too cool for school and in fact a seemingly nice regular teenage girl.

4. Melissa Rosenberg is not to blame. There are a few lines in Twilight that truly make me cringe. Whenever I hear them I shudder and curse Melissa Rosenberg for her stupidity. I see now that I was cursing the wrong person. According to the commentary, we have Catherine Hardwicke to thank for the following lines...
- "Better hang on tight spider-monkey"
- "My monkey man"
Gag! These lines were added while filming because Catherine thought the scene need a little something. What is it with her and monkeys? Catherine, a tip for your next project: Let the writer do their job and you just stick to directing.

5. I am SO glad we get a new director for New Moon. I am looking forward to seeing what Chris Weitz has in store for us in the sequel. I am also looking forward to the next commentary lacking Hardwicke's annoying voice, stupid comments, and uncomfortable putdowns of the actors.