Thursday, July 9, 2009

Can you keep a secret?

1. When the receptionist comes into work late and giving me random excuses that I know are lies I picture myself holding an open flame next to her brittle, badly highlighted hair.

2. I left in a rush today and forgot to brush my teeth. The gum is not working well enough.

3. I think Jimmy Fallon is sexier than Brad Pitt.

4. Hubby and I didn't use very good judgement this week and now I have to go buy prenatal vitamins just in case. Ooops.

5. I think leggings are one of the ugliest current fashion trends. If I see an adult wearing them I automatically make not so nice judgments about them. Mean I know but I can't help it. I hate them with a passion.

6. When I was newly married I pawned most of my possessions to pay the rent.

7. When I was a kid I peed in the pool several times. Don't lie, so did you.

8. My toes itch. Can you get athletes foot if all you do is sit at a desk every day?

9. Teenagers today are crazy. I'm glad that part of my life is over. If I was a teenager now I'd probably be emo. The non cutting my wrists kind anyway. I think I'd like to wear stick straight ragged black hair and a pound of eyeliner.

Shhh don't tell anyone.

-Smarty Pants

Monday, July 6, 2009

Can I just quit my life?

In an attempt to amuse you I was prepared to write a big long funny narrative that ended in my most recent failed attempt at a new job.  But in the end I'm just to bummed to do it.  I think list form works best...

- 3 phone interviews
- 1 flight out of state for in person interview
- 3 hours of testing
- candidates narrowed from 100 to 3
- dreams crushed with one simple email, "thanks but no thanks"

I've been trying to prepare myself for it but man it hurt to see those words.  It made me want to puke.  I don't know if I have enough left in me to continue the search.  Well that's what I think for about 10 seconds till I realize how completely lame my job is and that I will take a million more rejections on the slight chance there will someday be a yes. 

-Smarty Pants

Thursday, July 2, 2009


Instant messaging is a wonderful thing.  It provides an opportunity for serious and meaningful discussions between siblings... like the one I had today with by brother "Bob".  Behold...

8:23 AM Bob:
People are so stupid. I always send proofs to people and ask them to pick which one they like best. The would respond in 'I like the green one'. Well hell! there's three options with green! so I started to put 'option A' and option B' under each one. and STILL people respond with 'I like the one on the right", or 'the blue one', or 'number 3'. What? theres no number 3! there is an option C. But no 3!
8:24 AM me: ha. people can't follow directions- idiots. let's kill them all
8:25 AM me: *disclaimer- to any law enforcement personnel who may be monitoring my chats... I was kidding. No need to arrest me.
Bob: sounds good to me. I ged dibs on the shotgun (my weapon of choice).
me: sawed off or regular?
Bob: now thats the real question isn't it
8:26 AM me: I think I'd like to try an ax... it's a little more personal that way
Bob: I like the bat too. Its blunt, easy to manuver and wether its wood or metal you get an equally satisfying sound
8:29 AM me: ooooh you're right. nice one. Brass knuckles could be good too, you'd get a nice workout and wouldn't have to worry about missing your scheduled time in the gym while your busy destroying evidence.
8:30 AM Bob: wow this has become quite the interesting conversation.
8:32 AM me: Guess it's time to shove the dark feeling back inside. Wanna go pick wild flowers and sing Give Said the Little Stream?
8:33 AM Bob: you so crazy

-Smarty Pants