Thursday, May 28, 2009

If you don't laugh at this there is something wrong with you

This post from over at is worthy of passing along. Seriously this girl is messed up... in the best way of course.

This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias.

So the other day my friend (Tracy) was telling me about this documentary he saw about this woman who had a tiny upper body but everything from her waist down was enormous and I was all “My God. I bet her labia is huge” and that’s when Tracy put down his fork and said he wouldn’t eat lunch with me anymore.

Me: But scientifically it makes sense that her labia would be enormous. If I were her I’d roll it up with binder clips. Or those pink soft curlers we slept in when were little.

Tracy: Yeah…I’m a dude, remember?

Me: And then on special occasions she lets it out of the curlers and bingo: …spiral perm. Totally ready for prom.

Tracy: Hi. I’m eating tuna salad.

Me: But imagine what you could do with it. If you got attacked you could throw it on someone to swat them back or you could catch children jumping out of burning buildings. Or like in the olden days when women would use their aprons to hold apples?

Tracy: Huh.

Me: I’m just saying I wouldn’t eat an apple if you happen to be over at her house.

Tracy: If I happen to be at the home of the lady with the world’s largest labia I shouldn’t eat any apples?

Me: Yeah.

Tracy: Excellent advice.

Me: I bet it’s flat as a pancake too since it’s being squished by her legs. You could put a lantern behind it and make shadow puppets. It’s like a gift no one can ever use. Except I would totally use my giant labia. I’d entertain the whole world with it. Because that’s the kind of person I am. Saint-like. If I had an enormous labia I would change the world with it.

Tracy: So the only thing holding you back is…how small your labia is?

Me: Well it’s not like a handicap. I mean, I get by.

Tracy: Honestly, I don’t even know why I eat lunch with you.

Me: I’d say it’s roomy but compact. Like a balloon valance. Or a Honda Accord.

Then Tracy got all weird and was all “You aren’t supposed to tell me your vagina is like a Honda Accord!” and I’m all “You brought it up!” Then there was this awkward silence while I tried to look penitent and Tracy tried to look stern but technically I was just thinking about how a giant labia would be like a lap blanket on cold nights and Tracy was probably wondering what a balloon valance was. So then I was all “It’s like a tiny curtain” and Tracy was like “What?!” and I’m all “Oh never mind.”

Smarty Pants

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous5/28/2009

    Holy Shiz! That is the funniest damn thing I've seen in awhile! Thanks for the laugh. - Runt