Online Presence

I've been a blogger for about 2 years. I have a total of 3 blogs (one personal, one situation specific, and this one... which is everything I feel the need to say but don't have a place to say it). I guess I've done pretty well making it this far without any negative blogging experiences. But that's over now. I got a little too free with a comment on another blog and another commenter followed me back to my personal blog and the rest you can guess for yourself.

I decided to make the personal blog private. It's annoying for readers but in the end I really just write it for myself so if fewer people read or comment, I'm okay with that. The other blogs are anonymous so no problems there.

It got me thinking about my whole online presence though. I spend way too much time reading blogs. My google reader list is super long, full of random blogs I find interesting. I've decided I'm ready to scale back. I deleted any blog from my reader that does not belong to a friend or family member. If I really want an update from the other ones I can go to the site, but I'm done reading it all.

What will I do with all my time???

What do you say?

What do you say when your mother comes to your house...

With a freaking WIG on....

And wants your opinion???

Holy mother...

I've never been so grateful for the openness and tacklessness of children. Mine laughed at her and I could feign shock and embarassement at their behavior...

"I'm having it styled tomorrow, what should I tell her to do with it?"

"Tell her your daughter said to make it look less like a shampoo set."

"What's a shampoo set?"

Oh, hell...

Yes I'm Stupid

Excuse my embarrassing fan girl moment while I look at some stills I captured from the most recent New Moon trailer.

*Squeal*

We no longer accept gifts for services rendered

Hubby and I are on-site managers of a 40 unit apartment complex. Besides contract signing and rent collection it is basically a big baby sitting gig. Hubby is good at it and all the ladies like him and chat his ear off any time he tries to take the trash out or get something from the car.

Sometimes it bugs me that he is so helpful. I come home from a 10 hour day and want to sit and talk with him but he says unit 30 is having trouble installing their window a/c unit so I promised to come by and do it for them. Then I say, why? They are jerks make them do it themselves. Then with an evil grin he says... Now, what would Jesus have us do? And I get angry and say Jesus would want him to spend time with his wife so she didn't decide to pack up and head to the motel 6. He just rolls his eyes and heads out the door. I yell at him to make sure he doesn't get his cape dirty on the way. He doesn't laugh.

We had a 50 year old widow move out recently. Hubby spent a lot of time helping her fix the drywall and carpet so she wouldn't be charged at move out. She was very thankful for his help so she gave him some videos she didn't want any more. We finally got around to going through the box the other night. There were old Disney movies, a Jane Fonda workout video, and a porno. Ya, a widow gave us her old porn. Yikes.

It went straight to the dumpster. I told my brother about it and he said since she is so old maybe it was olden day porn, like ladies showing off their ankles and stuff. I'm guessing not, since the title had the word ass in it.

-Smarty Pants

Can you keep a secret?

1. When the receptionist comes into work late and giving me random excuses that I know are lies I picture myself holding an open flame next to her brittle, badly highlighted hair.

2. I left in a rush today and forgot to brush my teeth. The gum is not working well enough.

3. I think Jimmy Fallon is sexier than Brad Pitt.

4. Hubby and I didn't use very good judgement this week and now I have to go buy prenatal vitamins just in case. Ooops.

5. I think leggings are one of the ugliest current fashion trends. If I see an adult wearing them I automatically make not so nice judgments about them. Mean I know but I can't help it. I hate them with a passion.

6. When I was newly married I pawned most of my possessions to pay the rent.

7. When I was a kid I peed in the pool several times. Don't lie, so did you.

8. My toes itch. Can you get athletes foot if all you do is sit at a desk every day?

9. Teenagers today are crazy. I'm glad that part of my life is over. If I was a teenager now I'd probably be emo. The non cutting my wrists kind anyway. I think I'd like to wear stick straight ragged black hair and a pound of eyeliner.

Shhh don't tell anyone.

-Smarty Pants

Can I just quit my life?

In an attempt to amuse you I was prepared to write a big long funny narrative that ended in my most recent failed attempt at a new job.  But in the end I'm just to bummed to do it.  I think list form works best...

- 3 phone interviews

- 1 flight out of state for in person interview

- 3 hours of testing

- candidates narrowed from 100 to 3

- dreams crushed with one simple email, "thanks but no thanks"

I've been trying to prepare myself for it but man it hurt to see those words.  It made me want to puke.  I don't know if I have enough left in me to continue the search.  Well that's what I think for about 10 seconds till I realize how completely lame my job is and that I will take a million more rejections on the slight chance there will someday be a yes. 

-Smarty Pants

Bonding

Instant messaging is a wonderful thing.  It provides an opportunity for serious and meaningful discussions between siblings... like the one I had today with by brother "Bob".  Behold...

8:23 AM Bob: People are so stupid. I always send proofs to people and ask them to pick which one they like best. The would respond in 'I like the green one'. Well hell! there's three options with green! so I started to put 'option A' and option B' under each one. and STILL people respond with 'I like the one on the right", or 'the blue one', or 'number 3'. What? theres no number 3! there is an option C. But no 3!
AUGHHGGHGHGHGHGH!!!
8:24 AM me: ha. people can't follow directions- idiots. let's kill them all
8:25 AM me: *disclaimer- to any law enforcement personnel who may be monitoring my chats... I was kidding. No need to arrest me.
Bob: sounds good to me. I ged dibs on the shotgun (my weapon of choice).
me: sawed off or regular?
Bob: now thats the real question isn't it
8:26 AM me: I think I'd like to try an ax... it's a little more personal that way
Bob: I like the bat too. Its blunt, easy to manuver and wether its wood or metal you get an equally satisfying sound
8:29 AM me: ooooh you're right. nice one. Brass knuckles could be good too, you'd get a nice workout and wouldn't have to worry about missing your scheduled time in the gym while your busy destroying evidence.
8:30 AM Bob: wow this has become quite the interesting conversation.
8:32 AM me: Guess it's time to shove the dark feeling back inside. Wanna go pick wild flowers and sing Give Said the Little Stream?
8:33 AM Bob: you so crazy

-Smarty Pants

Paper or Plastic? Edward or Jacob?

Here are two posters for New Moon. Can you say "hummanna?" Now, I am a die hard Edward fan and have grown to like Robbie boy but (and excuse my french) but holy SHIT Jacob has a nice freakin' body. My weakness has always been those lower ab muscles that point down to the joy stick :)


Taylor has come a long way from "Shark Boy and Lava Girl."
So I'm standing in line at the grocery store with my husband and I am trying frantically to absorb the Rob headlines and pictures in all the magazines and get the scoop on him and Kristen and him on everyother woman but me (not that I'm bitter...) and the checker asks if I want paper or plastic. "Paper and shut the hell up, lady." It wasn't until I was walking out of the store with my groceries in my cart all tucked away in paper bags and my husband looking at me like I had horns growing out of my head that I realized what I had done. NEVER in my life have I gotten paper bags! I am so pathetic!!!

So, someone make me feel better...what is the most pathetic Edward thing you've ever done? I have now forgotten to pack pants on a trip because I was watching Cedric Diggory and now I have sunk to paper bags for my groceries.

-Runt

Brain Illness?

I was listening to a program on NPR about the fight against gangs. One guest stated that gangs, in and of themselves, are not bad, it is the activities they undertake that are bad. He says gangs are a part of human nature and that, with the exception of illegal activity, are the same as clubs, teams, families, and clicks. He illustrates the need for human interaction by saying:

"If you put 50 people in a stadium, they will not spread out with 23 seats between each of them... they will sit in a group. Unless they are antisocial, which is an illness of the brain."

Do I have a brain illness? I'll tell you right now that if I was in a stadium of 50 strangers I would immediately search out the most isolated corner.

I've always know that I'm a "non-social butterfly" but I never thought that qualified me as sick in the head.

I enjoy the company of my husband and children, I like visiting with other family members and a few close friends (as long as it isn't too long or too often), I work well with coworkers, I smile at the short lady who asks me to hand her the bread on the top shelf of the grocery store isle, I make small talk with acquaintances, I even tell the UPS guy to have a nice day!

But I guess I do use the self checkout at the store to avoid an overly chatty cashier, and it takes all my energy not to ram annoying shoppers with my cart, and I think a solo vacation would be great, and I would rather read a book than go to a party with a bunch of people I don't know, and I purposely wear earphones when working outside so neighbors will not talk to me.

Hmmm... maybe it's a close call.

I decided to consult a more reliable source than "the guest on NPR" and of course went directly to Wikipedia. The American Psychiatric Association defines antisocial as "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."

Okay, I'm feeling better... I certainly don't try to violate anyones rights.

The definition continues... More specifically, 3 of the following criteria must be met to warrant an antisocial diagnosis:

-Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
-Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
-Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
-Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
-Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
-Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
-Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Sweet, I think I'm in the clear.

Conclusion: The guest on NPR is an idiot and the reason I avoid people, particularly strangers, is because I fear they will be as stupid as he is.

Have a nice day!

- Smarty Pants

Would yoga help with my rage?

Have I mentioned before that I hate my in-laws?

Oh... twice in the last month you say?

Well we might as well make it three.

AARRRGGGGHHHH! I hate them soooooo much!


(ignore the satisfied customer part... it's hard finding violent pictures that don't cross the line)

If they make on more freaking negative comment about our mom works/dad stays home situation it may end in a hospital trip for them and a night in jail for me. But you know what... totally worth it!

Aside form the blood boiling in-laws we haven't had too many comments from people lately about our "alternative lifestyle" and I thought... Sweet, people are getting used to it and new people we meet seem more open minded. Now all of a sudden it is like a tidal wave of ignorance is beating down on us.

"So now that your done with your degree is your husband going to get a job or go back to school?" NO.

"If you're having a hard time finding a better job, why don't you just quit and make your husband get a job?" WHAT?!

"Why don't you tell your wife that it is time she stop being selfish and let you have a chance to get ahead?" EXUSE ME?!

Next time someone says something stupid I should just blurt out the whole truth for them so they realize what a jackass they are. "Why doesn't your husband work? Is he unrighteous or something? Don't you want to be a full time mommy?"

"Thanks for asking... cause it is totally your business and all... He stays home because he is amazing with the kids, better than I ever could be. And I enjoy working, while a career was never super important to him. Not to mention the fact that he has a list of medical issues the length of my arm that are not very conducive to conventional employment. Now please spread the gossip far and wide so no one will ever ask me again."

I really really hate people sometimes.

- Smarty Pants

They Might Be Giants

I seriously love these guys. I can't help but be in a good mood when I hear one of their songs. Birdhouse In My Soul is great and has been made even better with this super well done Literal Video Version. I've watched it 3 times already today... check it out!



I think my new favorite lines are...


"I command a slo-mo jump"
"Smoke a pipe and think about Tai Chi"
"This little dance move threw my back out, I won't do that move anymore"

With some help form my brother I think we could make a pretty funny one of these. The hard part... picking a song/video... Hmmmmm

- Smarty Pants

Kristen Stewart Has Amnesia

KStew has had a traumatic brain injury and has forgotten what decade she's in.

Someone please tell the poor girl that it is not in fact 1989, and she is not in fact in 8th grade. UNTIE the shirt!!! And just so you know... calling them skinny jeans does not fool me into not recognizing those hideous pants for what they really are... tapered legged monstrosities from an era long gone and best left forgotten.





While you're at it, please tell Kristen that we have these cool new things now called hairbrushes and high heals.



-Smarty Pants

Eye Patches, Creeps, and Body Odor

Dear Eye Patch Guy,

I like your eye patch. From my seat behind you in church it looks like it might be leather. But that would probably make you sweaty. The band around your head looks like it might be a bit snug. Does it give you a headache? Does it leave an indentation around your face when you take it off? Do you spend a lot of time in the sun? Cause your skin is very worn and weathered. I think you look like a pirate. Which is good. I like pirates (the fictional kind with eye patches of course... not the kind off the coast of Africa). But just one thing, maybe you could loose the comb-over... it makes you look like a sissy pirate.

Sincerely,

Eye patch admirer and hater of comb-overs.

____________________________________________


Dear tenant of unit #14,

Just so you know, I saw you in your window watching me clean the pool at 5:30 this morning. Regardless of you reason (laughing at me, planning my death by pool cleaning accident, contemplating excuse why you haven't paid your rent yet, or whatever) it seriously creeped me out. Do it again and I'm raising your rent.

Yours,

Over worked and crabby lady with the power to make your life miserable

___________________________________________

Dear Jerk at Albertsons,

Please refrain from using the self checkout if you are an idiot. Also, free tip... Go one more isle over from where you just picked up your 5 cases of cheap beer and you will find this nifty product called soap. Buys some. Use a lot.

Regards,

Annoyed and disgusted




- Smarty Pants

Good Morning, would you like a bitch slap with your bagel?

I stopped to get my weekly Friday morning bagel today.

Some beeyoch behind me was picking up bagels for her company and paying with a company check. She was asked for her drivers license and made the biggest scene - sighing, eye rolling, stomping out in a huff to her car, coming back in a yelling at the poor kid, blah, blah. It was ridiculous.

I wanted to slap her for 2 reasons - 1) people asking for ID with a check (which BTW who even uses those anymore?) is a standard control procedure and being in the business of having to enforce such controls it pisses me off when people have to be such dicks about it. 2) She was obviously running around on company time so what the hell could she be so put out about?

I hate people.

-Runt

Demoralization

Looking for a way to decrease your self esteem, deplete morale, stomp your hopes and dreams into the dirt? I've got just the thing... join me in todays job market.

I am currently employed but in a job I'm tired of and in a town I hate. I've been looking for an out of state job for about 5 months now. There have been a couple face to face interviews, a fair number of phone interviews, and a lot of 'thanks but no thanks'. Rejection sucks.

I'm flying out to an interview in a couple of weeks. I've spent a few hours on the phone with the guy over the last month or so and it seems like it might be a good fit. I'd be thrilled if you want to join me in a voodoo ceremony to cause the other applicants to come down with swine flu or a bad case of herpes on interview day.

-Smarty Pants

PS yes I know some people would be happy to have any job at all right now and that I'm a spoiled brat and should just be happy with what I have. Now that I've pointed that out- you don't have to.

The Mommy Blog equals GAG!

I hate a lot of things. Peas, cats, the smell of skunk, hangnails, Lady Gaga, roaches, people who are overly cheery, Wheaties... you get the idea. But today I especially loath the Mommy Blog.

The carefully crafted illusion of pure joy and family perfection induces vomiting faster than a speeding finger down the throat. You know the blogs I'm talking about. They contain "About Me" sections with phrases like...

"Billy and I have been married for 4 amazing years and are as happy as peas and carrots"

"Baby Caden is super precious and we love him times 10 and he loves to make everyone laugh"

And if that's not enough to get the bile flowing... the nonstop posts filled with pictures of kids, spotless rooms, homemade desserts, and how super sweet hubby is to take your giant diamond wedding ring in to be cleaned... is sure to do it.

Why do I hate these blogs so much?

1. They have taken the once painful annual Christmas letter and multiplied if by 365.
2. They are boring. If you are my friend I want to read blogs about what you are thinking about, not blogs about how Timmy is the smartest kid in his preschool class.
3. They have become required reeding. I hate when I see you at church and I ask how the homeschooling is going you say "Didn't you read my post about how Nicholas is the state spelling bee champ?!"
4. They are FAKE. I don't want to see you trying to be June Cleaver. I know that is not real life and all it does is make you look like a one dimensional, plastic, Holly Housewife.

So please post something interesting and real next time. I may be trying to loose weight but bulimia is not the way I want to do it.

- Smarty Pants

Do I really Have to Say It??

http://www.comcast.net/video/rob-pattinson-s-shirtless-pics/1134899533/Comcast/1135200630/

Copy and paste into your browser because I don't know how to do the link.

Okay, I will say 3 things:

1) A tan wouldn't kill
2) What is with the damn chicken pox?
3) Who is that bitch hanging off him cause it sure as hell doesn't look like me? WTH?

Aside from that, where is my scratching post of a husband when you need him? (Speaking metaphorically, of course!)

-Runt

If you don't laugh at this there is something wrong with you

This post from over at thebloggess.com is worthy of passing along. Seriously this girl is messed up... in the best way of course.



----
This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias.

So the other day my friend (Tracy) was telling me about this documentary he saw about this woman who had a tiny upper body but everything from her waist down was enormous and I was all “My God. I bet her labia is huge” and that’s when Tracy put down his fork and said he wouldn’t eat lunch with me anymore.

Me: But scientifically it makes sense that her labia would be enormous. If I were her I’d roll it up with binder clips. Or those pink soft curlers we slept in when were little.

Tracy: Yeah…I’m a dude, remember?

Me: And then on special occasions she lets it out of the curlers and bingo: …spiral perm. Totally ready for prom.

Tracy: Hi. I’m eating tuna salad.

Me: But imagine what you could do with it. If you got attacked you could throw it on someone to swat them back or you could catch children jumping out of burning buildings. Or like in the olden days when women would use their aprons to hold apples?

Tracy: Huh.

Me: I’m just saying I wouldn’t eat an apple if you happen to be over at her house.

Tracy: If I happen to be at the home of the lady with the world’s largest labia I shouldn’t eat any apples?

Me: Yeah.

Tracy: Excellent advice.

Me: I bet it’s flat as a pancake too since it’s being squished by her legs. You could put a lantern behind it and make shadow puppets. It’s like a gift no one can ever use. Except I would totally use my giant labia. I’d entertain the whole world with it. Because that’s the kind of person I am. Saint-like. If I had an enormous labia I would change the world with it.

Tracy: So the only thing holding you back is…how small your labia is?

Me: Well it’s not like a handicap. I mean, I get by.

Tracy: Honestly, I don’t even know why I eat lunch with you.

Me: I’d say it’s roomy but compact. Like a balloon valance. Or a Honda Accord.

Then Tracy got all weird and was all “You aren’t supposed to tell me your vagina is like a Honda Accord!” and I’m all “You brought it up!” Then there was this awkward silence while I tried to look penitent and Tracy tried to look stern but technically I was just thinking about how a giant labia would be like a lap blanket on cold nights and Tracy was probably wondering what a balloon valance was. So then I was all “It’s like a tiny curtain” and Tracy was like “What?!” and I’m all “Oh never mind.”
----------

Smarty Pants

Religion

Religion is a very serious and very personal thing. Part of organized religion is the occasional gathering of followers to glean wisdom from those who's knowledge exceeds our own. If this is your church... I think it's time to start shopping around.










- Smarty Pants

Sucks- part 2

I logged on to rant and I see Runt beat me to the punch.

I will agree that responsibility sucks BIG TIME! And all that other crap fits nicely into the responsibility realm. I'm sorry the new job stuff isn't all sunshine and roses. I'm personally so sick of the whole work crap that I've considered starting my own business. Oh wait, just one problem... I don't have any ideas or any money. darn.

Here's a lesson I learned today:

How to have a crappy day...

- be woken up by 5 year old screaming bloody murder at 4:30am due to ear ache
- try to get dressed but realize your ass is too fat for your pants
- step on an old diaper and have its contents squish through your toes
- realize that an urgent care visit without insurance is over $200 and you don't have even half that
- spill boiling hot water on your crotch when you try and get some cocoa
- cry
- curse
- realize it is only 9:30am
- cry again


-Smarty Pants

Sucks!

Marriage sucks.

Family sucks.

Job sucks.

Responsibility sucks.

Being mom sucks.

Marriage sucks...oh wait, I already said that one! Well, it deserves to be mentioned twice.


...and that's all I got to say about that!

So, how was your Memrial weekend?

-Runt.

Just Say No to Drugs

I think a drug deal just went down in the office next to me.

Some freaking looking dude comes in and goes into Jay's office.

Dude- "that'll be $175"
roll of cash is exchanged for paper lunch sack
Jay- "it's good right?"
Dude- "ya, I'll have the rest for you next week"

Um what?! It's obvious Jay is under the influence of something on a regular basis but can't she at least conduct her business on the street like regular druggies? Have I mentioned before how much I love this place?



- Smarty Pants

I am a coward!!

Last night I totally stood up a bunch of friends I grew up with...on purpose. One is a perfect Mormon girl, one ended up as a stripper in Vegas married to a drug addict who killed himself, and one I never even knew very well to begin with. I couldn't face them because no matter which one I compare myself to I don't measure up or I can't relate. Not only that, I tell myself I don't need to keep in touch with people, I don't need friends, I don't need anyone because it takes too much energy to have relationships. The ones I HAVE to have are hard enough, why would I seek out more? Of course, until I am feeling lonely and beaten down and then I look around for a shoulder and wonder why I am alone and hate myself for it.

I have serious issues!

-Runt.

Laugh of the day!

-Runt

Panic

I think I have made a HUGE mistake! 2 years ago I went back to school, started working in an accounting office, and now have a BS in accounting... and it makes my stomach hurt. Am I just getting nervous because my job hunt is taking so long? Am I just over worked and over tired? Or did I pick the wrong career path and just waste years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars?!

The thought of payroll tax impounds, 1099 reconciliations, income taxes, and GL posting all make me want to hurl. Oh man maybe I should have gone to nursing school! AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!

Quick get me a paper bag!

Anyone regret their chosen profession? I sure hope I'm just suffering from major rampaging PMS. I think my husband might have a heart attack if I tell him I hate what I'm doing.

Maybe I need to focus the job search on managerial accounting. No payroll deadlines, no stupid taxes, no never ending accounts payable... That's right, it doesn't have to be bookkeeping crap for eternity... there are other options. Deep Breath... Deep Breath... Deep Breath... Okay, I may just make it.

-Smarty Pants

Daughters

My soon to be 7 year old daughter is the most trying thing I face. Of course I love her and she is wonderful in a lot of ways BUT she drive me to insanity like no one else.

Whining- good crap that girl can whine. It can be triggered by anything: hunger, clothes, teeth brushing, mean kids, annoying brother, chores, lack of attention, lack of praise, lack of immediate bending to her will, and most of all... reading.

Reading- I loath teaching kids to read. Every night we plod through the stupid reading assignment just to be told at parent teacher conferences she isn't reading as well and as fast as she should. It feels like they expect her to pick up Gone With the Wind and read it over the weekend. I hate hate hate reading with her. She cries, I get mad, we both get bored, neither of us wants to ever do it again. It makes me wonder how people are able to successfully home school. I swear the kids are so much more willing to learn from someone other than mom.

I guess if you took away the reading and the whining I would think she was the greatest kid around. I'm sure the reading will work itself out eventually if we just keep at it but I'm not so sure about the whining. I can just see it morphing in to the hormonal outbursts associated with puberty. Oh fun.

-smarty pants

Hello, my name is...

That was quite an introduction...I'm not sure I can live up to that!

Yes, I am an Edward / Twilight fan. It's been almost a year now since I became one. Two things have happened to my life since then -

First, I have realized I am a sexually depraved middle aged woman who needs some serious help because I now read every romance novel I can get my hands on and read as fast as I can to get to the tingly parts, finish it as fast as I can and move onto the next one. All that for a few moments of butterflies? Duh.

Second, my husband enjoys my new found obsession with romance novels because he tells me I kiss better now. Nice.

So, some other brief facts about me...I am crude, rude, selfish and bitchy. I used to be nice. I used to be pretty. I used to have great skin, ta-ta's and legs. Now, my life has been sucked out of me by 10 years of marriage and 2 kids.

I guess that's about it. What's on my mind right now is that my husbands extended family is coming into town and staying with us for 4 days. Did I mention they have 4 kids? I am planning my own death at the moment to avoid this. Maybe a sudden illness would be a little less dramatic?

-Runt

The blog grows

I'm happy to announce we are adding a second Smarty Pants to the blog. She is hilarious, smart, a lover of Twilight, and my most favorite Internet friend. From now on I will sign all my posts as Smarty Pants and we will let our new friend come up with her own "call sign", till then she's SP2.

The blog is still new and searching for its rhythm but I'm loving having a place to blab about stuff that doesn't really belong on my personal blog. We had a tad over 200 views in the last month with an average visit time of 2 minutes. We'd love to get some back and forth going in the comments, so if you have something to say... let it out!

Welcome SP2!

-Smarty Pants

Viewing Pleasure

Well hello there Edward... oh, I mean Robert. I think I see a tiny bit of your tummy. Better take your shirt off so I can be sure :)

Star Trek 2009

I was so happy with how amazing the new Star Trek movie turned out. The actors were amazing, the special effects were great, the story was interesting and plausible within the ST realm, and I laughed out loud several times. Star Trek can now be for everyone... not just hard core Trekies. My favorite things...

- Kirk got the crap beat out of him a lot
- Scotty was freaking hilarious
- The Romulan ship was crazy weird
- Original catch phrases used just enough
- Alternate reality has provided a whole new starting point for lots more movies to come!

So.... did you love the Star Trek movie?

The In-Laws Strike Again

"Oh son/brother, if your wife ever dies we have the perfect girl for you! Her name is Sally and she is so funny and the nicest thing! She is just like one of us sisters. We've told her all about you and she really wants to meet you."

WHAT THE HELL!!!! I'm saying it right now... you push me to hard and I refuse to be held responsible for the backlash coming your way!

Birthing- never what you expect

My littlest guy is fast approaching his 6 month mark. It's amazing how quickly time passes. Part of me wishes he could stay a baby forever, I just want to hold him and never let go. I've been thinking a lot about his birth and the birth of my other kids. 3 deliveries, 3 completely different experiences, same great outcome.

Pregnancy is a lot like an engagement and planning a wedding. You get sucked into this whole other world and everyone is telling what you should do. Information is flying and you start to loose perspective and develop outlandish ideas and fantasies about how your big day should be. When the day comes for your wedding or delivery you realize how you were caught up in the whole thing and how it has been glamorized and romanticized to a point that your expectations are out of reach. While my initial thoughts of how a delivery would progress have never matched up to reality, I have never been disappointed. I feel so bad for women who harbor negative feelings for their birth experience because they were not able to let go of the preconceived notions and just go with the flow.

My first delivery consisted of 15 hours of hard labor at home which started on my due date, followed by 8 more hours at the hospital with the help of an epidural, and ending with the manual extraction of the placenta. That delivery was all about endurance. I was completely exhausted and gratefully let my visiting mom take care of the baby while I slept my two days in the hospital away.

My second delivery consisted of 5 hours of hard labor at home at 40 weeks and 8 days, 1 hour in the hospital med free (not by choice but by necessity due to speed of delivery), and ending with a very painful unmedicated manual extraction of the placenta. That delivery was dominated by fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of the pain. I lost so much blood during the whole ordeal I ended up spending most of my stay in the hospital on the brink of unconsciousness. It may not had turned out the way I had planned but I was thrilled to have my perfect baby and grateful I had the experience of an unmedicated birth (though I never wanted to do it again) and the unpleasant details have long since been forgotten.

Number three was hands down my favorite birth experience. The little guy showed signs of imminent arrival at 38 weeks... 41 weeks came and the doc recommended an induction. The idea of an induction was very scary to me. I had read all the horror stories and had been sufficiently guilt-tripped into feeling like I was making a bad decision for my baby. The amount of guilt you become capable of as a mother is truly astounding.

After a lot of prayer we decided to go with our doctor's advice. By 9am the following day we were checked into the hospital. At 10am we were hooked up to an IV and they very slowly started pitocin.

Over the next 4 hours contractions started out painless and slowly grew in intensity. During that time hubby and I laughed and talked and chatted up our nurse. We had a view of the forest and watched tons of snow fall over the next few hours. I had been nervous about what pitocin induced contractions would feel like, but everything felt just like my spontaneous labors. It was actually a fun few hours.

By about 2pm contractions were painful enough that we were ready for the epi. Getting that thing placed is a bit nerve wracking but all went well and I was soon very comfy. At 3:30 my doc came by and checked me again... no change. He broke my water and cranked up the pit. We had been up since 4 am and were starting to feel it so we took a nice 2 hour nap. The nurse came in and asked if I was feeling any pressure. Nope.

I swear the second she walked out of the room I felt it. Still no pain but a sudden "I would love to get up and use the bathroom" feeling. The doc was right there so he checked me again. "Okay Mommy, please don't push, I'm going to get my scrubs on". We were ready to go.

5 minutes later we started pushing. I felt enough pressure to know what to do but never any pain. It was hard work and I struggled to keep my breathing even but I actually loved the pushing phase. My nurse and doc were so great and whispered words of encouragement. They just let me push when I felt the need and praised me with each contraction. After pushing through the first 2 contractions I felt in control and ready to make it happen... I took charge. With a prompt from the doc I looked down and saw my baby come into the world.

The immediate bond I felt as each baby lay on my chest those first few minutes after birth is beyond description. Each one was an amazing miracle sent just for us. Happy Mother's Day- remember that you already have the greatest gift in the world so spend your day enjoying them!

In Laws

There are some things in life I would be happy to do without. In-Laws are at the top of my list. I'll spare you the unpleasant details of our history, but you'd think by now they'd be tired of it all. I'm sure in the beginning attempted sabotage of our relationship was fun and exciting. Bribes, lies, manipulations, interventions, intimidation, threats... woohoo let the good times roll. I guess I should give them credit for their endurance, determination, and stamina. 10 years and a handful of kids later and they are still at it.

"Hey mom, Wife and the kids are leaving Thursday to visit the grandparents, want to drive down for a visit since I haven't seen you for a year?"

"So your finally separating?!"

"No! We were going to go as a family but at the last second I couldn't get the time off work"

"Oh well that's too bad"
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"Son, I really don't want to have any more grandkids"

"Why do you even care, you hardly see the ones you have"

"Regardless, don't let your wife talk you into any more kids. I'd be happy to pay for your vasectomy... it could be our little secret."
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Twilight DVD Commentary

A lot can be learned from listening to the painful commentary on the Twilight DVD.

1. Catherine Hardwicke is one of the most annoying people of all time. Catherine is 54 years old but tries to speak like the young actors she works with. You'd think that could be endearing, that she is young at heart and all that junk, but no. It just comes off as unprofessional and painfully annoying.

2. Robert Pattinson is funny. That guy is a crackup. It's slightly uncomfortable to listen to his ramblings and off beat humor without the accompaniment of facial expressions and hand gestures but he seems like a genuinely nice, goofy guy.

3. K Stew can laugh! My irrational hatred for Kristen Stewart softened considerably listening to her laugh, joke, and be embarrassed as she watched herself onscreen. It made me happy to see that she is not in fact an emotionless drone who is too cool for school and in fact a seemingly nice regular teenage girl.

4. Melissa Rosenberg is not to blame. There are a few lines in Twilight that truly make me cringe. Whenever I hear them I shudder and curse Melissa Rosenberg for her stupidity. I see now that I was cursing the wrong person. According to the commentary, we have Catherine Hardwicke to thank for the following lines...
- "Better hang on tight spider-monkey"
- "My monkey man"
Gag! These lines were added while filming because Catherine thought the scene need a little something. What is it with her and monkeys? Catherine, a tip for your next project: Let the writer do their job and you just stick to directing.

5. I am SO glad we get a new director for New Moon. I am looking forward to seeing what Chris Weitz has in store for us in the sequel. I am also looking forward to the next commentary lacking Hardwicke's annoying voice, stupid comments, and uncomfortable putdowns of the actors.

Who is your favorite Twilight character?

I was hesitant to read the Twilight books.  Teenage vampire love just sounded a bit too silly for me.  It wasn't till a friend forced the books into my hands that I caved.  Boy am I glad I did.  I completely love how the story sucks you in and in the world created by Stephanie Meyer you completely believe it is all possible.  

I love the Bella and Edward relationship but my favorite character is Jasper.  I think his past is fascinating, I adore his relationship with Alice, and I sympathize with his place in the 'family' (feeling like he is not as strong as the others and like he does not fit as well as the rest).  Of course I also love the empath part of his character.  I read a lot of Jasper fanfics so the Jasper in my mind has grown beyond that of what was included in the Twilight Saga.  I'm looking forward to getting to see more of Jasper in New Moon.  I though Jackson Rathbone did an amazing job as Jasper (with the little he had to work with) and I think he is such an adorable, goofy, funny, awkward guy.  His guest appearance on Criminal Minds was very impressive and I'm looking forward to seeing him in his other projects.  Plus he's super cute so that's a plus  :)

Who is your fav?

Better Body Journey

Do you remember when you first decided you were fat?  I do.  I was in 7th grade.  I'd just had yet another growth spurt and reached what I deemed "freakish height".  5 foot 8 inches doesn't seem so bad now but at 13 I was taller than every boy in school and taller than all my teachers.  I spent a lot of time slouching and generally trying to appear shorter.  There was one girl my same height and she was a beast of a girl.  The broadest shoulders I'd ever seen and legs that could snap a grown man in half.  I remember thinking she would fit in better on a mens rugby team then in middle school.   She was the top player on all our sports teams and she seemed full of confidence.  I assumed that since I was her same height I must look like that too.  From that point on, anytime I saw my 5'8'' 118 lb body in the mirror all I could think was "FAT!!!"  

Sad, silly, stupid, naive... It's a shame we find it so easy to focus on what we see as negatives about ourselves yet are completely oblivious to our positive attributes.  I sure wish I could quote those stats now.  I'm a bit taller and a lot heavier.  But reality has never had much to do with my body image.  Until recently that is...  

After my first 2 children I was back to a respectable size fairly quickly.  Not skinny, but healthy and able to endure a shopping trip for clothes without being reduced to tears.  Then I started a new job and went back to school full time in the evenings.  The stress brought with it weight gain.  Still, I was okay with how I looked.  Then came pregnancy #3.  I did a respectable job of keeping my pregnancy weight gain in a health zone and was more than happy to deal with the extra weight if it meant a new addition to our family!

Flash forward 4 months from delivery.  Here I am weighing more than mid-pregnancy, even more than when I left the hospital with my baby.  With school soon to be behind me I feel I have the time and mental energy needed to focus on getting my body back on track.  And with physical activity with the kiddos become increasingly more difficult, I have ample motivation.

It's important to me to not let my journey to a healthier body be an overpowering presence at home.  I don't want the idea of the importance of weight being in the forefront of my young daughters mind.  If she's like me or half the other girls in the world she will be facing that all to soon as it is.

On the advise of my sister-in-law I will be making my "Better Body Journey" with the help of Dr. Simeon's Pounds and Inches Weight Loss Protocol.  This system requires an extremely controlled diet and the use of the HCG hormone.  I have ordered my supplies and will be starting in the next couple of weeks.  I will be documenting my progress along the way and passing along all the things I'm bound to learn.  If I get daring I may just include some pics of my progress.  I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have any experience with the HCG diet.  

Wish me luck on my "Better Body Journey"! 

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

I promise to lay off the whole Jane Austen thing after this. I just wanted to quickly share the latest P&P adaptation...

PRIDE and PREJUDICE and ZOMBIES

Can't wait to read it!

Pride and Prejudice

Elizabeth Bennet is my all time favorite female literary character.  She is strong willed, witty, sarcastic, stubborn, compassionate, adventurous,  loyal, and a realist.  Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice is a book that I read at least once a year.  And ever time I read I stay up late to finish it because I just can't stand to put it down.  

Before I was introduced to the book, my sister and I discovered the BBC's 1995 TV miniseries of the classic tale on VHS at the local video store.  I vividly remember the two of us getting settled on the couch to watch... not sure what exactly we would be seeing.  It came in 2 parts, and by accident we put part 2 in the recorder first.  Instantly Elizabeth is having flashbacks to Darcy's initial proposal.  We were completely confused and about to cut our losses and walk away in hopes of finding a better way to spend the evening.  Luckily we discovered our mistake and watched from the beginning.  It took all of 10 minutes to be completely absorbed in the story.  The BBC version is about 5 hours long.  5 wonderful hours.  We quickly bought our own copy and spent many Sunday afternoon watching it over and over again.

Since that time I have searched out every possible version of the story.  The BBC seems to put out a new film version every decade.  I've seen them all dating back to 1940.  There are also a few spinoffs like Bride and Prejudice

and Pride and Prejudice- a latter day comedy.         

These are all entertaining enough,  but non compared to Jennifer Ehle and colin Firth's portrayal of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy.

You can imagine my excitement when I discovered that in 2005 we would be getting a Hollywood quality version of Pride and Prejudice staring Kira Knightly.  I forced my husband to take me on opening night and I jumped and giggled like a schoolgirl while we waited in line.  I think the anticipation was the best part.  I even made friends with some other jumping and giggling girls in line with us.  

Since that time there have been many discussions about which was better... the 1995 version or or the 2005 version?  Here are my thoughts...

- Absolute best part of both movies combined is when after staying at Netherfield park. 2005 Mr. Darcy helps Elizabeth into the buggy and flexes his fingers after touching her hand!  SWOON!!!  Sounds small and silly I know, but if you didn't catch it the first time around watch it again and I guarantee your heart will be pounding!  :)

- 1995 Darcy out performs, out dances, and out manlys 2005 Darcy hands down.

- 2005 Jane fits the book description of beauty much better than weird looking 1995 Jane.

- I was completely distracted by Keira Knightley's gigantic and harsh chin in the 2005 version

- Claudie Blakley, who played Charlotte Lucas in the 2005 version was amazing!  She made that part come alive.  Her fear of being a burden to her family by never marrying  is so well portrayed.  When she defends her reasons for marrying Mr. Collins you completely believe her and can feel her pain, fear, sorrow, and relief.  This is completely lacking in the 1995 version.

- The newer version better displayed the financial difference between the Bennet family and the men they end up falling for.

- Jennifer Ehle completely convinced me she was Elizabeth Bennet.  Keira... not so much.

- All things considered they are both well done but one is 5 times longer than the other, and therefore 5 times better!

Smarty Pants

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